A letter to Santa by Paul Douglas (2017)
Dear Santa this is Jimmy Byrne, I write to you each year
I’m sure that you’re a busy man with Christmas drawing near.
I took all day to write this note, and then I had to get my coat
And head off in the cold and damp to spend good money on a stamp
So when you get it please take care. Don’t lose it like you did last year
I know that it’s a lengthy list, but it includes the stuff you missed
From last year’s Christmas letter.
Dear Santa disregard the rumour, some people have no sense of humour
And anyway if you had seen it, you would know I didn’t mean it.
It all began because our dog, called Spot, was snowy white
He didn’t have a single spot and that was hardly right
Then when I found the can of paint, the thought occurred to me dear Saint
That I could make things better.
I started out with just one spot, then added more, then quite a lot
And then the dog quick as a flash, slipped from my grip and with a crash
Charged out the door and down the stairs
Till spots of paint were everywhere
I tried my best with sponge and soap, but soon I saw there was no hope
Soon paint was smeared from wall to floor, and on the curtains there was more
And even on the ceiling
The scene was grim, I can’t deny, I scrubbed and scraped I tell no lie
But when my Mum and Dad came back, they almost had a heart attack
I’m sure you heard them screaming
But Santa what’s a little paint, not everyone can be a Saint
So when it comes to Christmas Eve, remember that I still believe
And we’re all early risers.
So when you come to visit me, please leave my presents by the tree
And don’t forget or I’ll be sad. Don’t leave it to my Mum and Dad
For they’re a pair of misers.
Dear Santa this is Jimmy Byrne and I am sending by return
The “gift” you left for me.
Just imagine my dismay, when I arose on Christmas day
And looked beneath the tree
A gleaming package wrapped in blue, with cardboard label signed by you
As I’d anticipated
On opening my Christmas box, I thought at first “It’s full of rocks”
But even worse awaited
I can’t deny dear Santa Claus that I was disappointed
In fact I rolled up in a ball like I was double jointed.
So Santa I am sending back, your sack of stupid coal
And you can take your Christmas gift and stick it up your old North Pole.